Zombies are largely misunderstood. Based on your popular culture from the early 1900s and so on you would think we are nothing but flesh starved cannibalistic maniacs. This is not the case. I, for instance, have been residing in Appalachia for the past ten years. living in a radio free zone with people who are more worried about Electromagnetic pollution than having their faces eaten off by some crazed "zombie". And when I eat someone, it's usually the old or sick (and the occasional lost hiker) and since no one has computers or cell phones I just forge a note saying that old grandma went to die in the woods. They morn and accept it, moving on. I have a test for flesh, but I assert that it's no different than your taste for cow (but I digress and my point is not to freak you out but simply express my point of view).
You see, I am a peace-loving, flesh-eating zombie and I feel that in America I have a right to be heard. I read your message boards on Fox News and MSNBC, some of you deserve to get eaten with your spiteful comments, but as irascible as I am I could not live without defending us, Zombies. We do communicate with each other, there are several Zombie support groups, all online, however. We are alone and often sad. We even watch your zombie movies, while I am ingratiated for the toughness with which I am portrayed I am ultimately saddened by the savage you must think me to be. In your movies I cannot talk and yet you see here I can communicate quite well (Although I am using my creation to translate my speak to your speak as my words are quite unintelligible to homosapiens, of which I no longer consider myself a part).
I suppose at this point I should introduce myself, my name is Dr. Morto and I was a biologist who studied micro-bacteria which could control dead ants in the rainforests of South America. It is not so odd that this work infected me or several of my compatriots, but it is odd how we have each reacted to this, should I say, gift. Some of my compatriots would like to attack, creating the very post apocalyptic world with your movies so portray. Much like your own preppers, they have been amassing a growing number of, how do we put this gently?, converts?. Forgive me if that is not the right word, in any case, I do not want a war and my food is quite abundant in this part of America, so I feel no need to fight.
Anyways, It is getting late and my limp and discolored loose-fleshed face is best disguised at night, so I must tend to my sheep and possibly find a stray person wondering around the trail, but I hope to discuss my secret life with you more, in an effort to explain the truly misunderstood and secret life of Zombies, or as I like to simply say Bacterially Enhanced Humanoids, in order to prevent impending doom to us all.
Sincerely
DM.
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